


Midnight

by Ximena_S



Category: Bohemian Rhapsody (Movie 2018), Queen (Band)
Genre: F/M, Other, Song: Midnight (5SOS), Song: Stay (Post Malone), Song: When You Walk Away (5SOS)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-07
Updated: 2020-01-29
Packaged: 2021-02-26 06:00:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,312
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21708619
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ximena_S/pseuds/Ximena_S
Summary: Roger is a bit of a casanova, but with a heart of gold. Despite the fact that he appears to be in a dysfunctional relationship with reader he never ceases his "playboy" ways, still, reader never manages to resist him, she loves him. They both know it's a little bit wrong, that love shouldn't work this way, but they still try, don't they?
Relationships: Brian May & John Deacon, Freddie Mercury & Brian May, Freddie Mercury & John Deacon, John Deacon & Roger Taylor, Original Characters & Reader, Roger Taylor & Brian May, Roger Taylor (Queen)/Reader, original female characters & reader
Kudos: 8





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This has been on my drafts for a loooong while, but I never had the guts to post it, nor the time to do something about it, so I’m a little rusty but I’m trying. Like most of the time, I took a few literary liberties, there are some movie things, there’s some real stuff, so… yeah.  
> Also, this story is original, it's based on a couple of songs. Oh, and this story is also being posted on my Tumblr: x-ximenas

_Smile, shake hands, leave._

She crossed one leg over the other just to uncross them again and cross them once more. She repeated this process a couple of times before settling with crossing her legs by the ankles. Now, she started tapping her fingers in a rhythm that sounded familiar, but she couldn’t quite make out so she stopped to look down at her hands that were resting over her lap, rings adorning almost every finger, heaving she started to play with the one that was on her index.

“Everything’s alright, miss?” asked the kind taxi driver who had been watching her fidget through the rearview mirror.

“Yes, thanks.” She quickly replied, too quickly.

“You got a date?” The driver inquired.

“No.”

“Oh, I thought, considering your nervousness.” He added.

“Oh, no, I’m just… I don’t know, having second thoughts, maybe I-”

“Do you want me to drop you back from where I picked you up?” He asked.

“No, no, no, I’m fine, thanks though.” She smiled.

“No problems, miss.”

She sighed, leaning back on the cab’s leather backseat, folding her arms one over the other as she stared out the window. Like she just told the driver, Y/N was -indeed- having second thoughts, completely regretting telling her friends a thing as she was now forced to actually go to the pub where he was performing. She should’ve turned down his offer right away, he was too drunk and too tired to even know what he was saying:

> _“Come to my next show, love, you’ll have fun.” He tried to persuade her. She almost didn’t catch what he had said from how slurred the words were, but in the end, she did._
> 
> _“What?” Was all she managed to say, but he had already fallen asleep, he didn’t hear a thing._

“Miss?” The driver said.

“Yes?” Y/N answered, snapping out of her daydream.

“We’re already here, miss.”

“Oh, thanks. How much is it for the drive?” she asked, rummaging through her purse.

“5 pounds, miss.” He answered.

“Here you go -she handed him the money-, thanks!” She told him, climbing off the car.

_Smile, shake hands, leave._

She smoothed out her off-the-shoulders red top and pulled down the ends of her high-waisted shorts that had ridden up when she was sitting down. With a mumble of a curse she walked into the pub, the smell of cigarettes and booze hitting her immediately, she straightened her shoulders and tried to stand on her tiptoes and find her friends but the first thing she caught sight of was a certain blond getting friendly with some random brunette, averting her eyes she kept on looking until she found the small group sitting on a booth.

“Y/N! For a moment I thought you might have bailed on us” Kat mocked with a smirk.

“I couldn’t, I was responsible for this gathering after all” Y/N mumbled with a tight smile.

“Wow, what got your knickers in a twist” Donna practically yelled, hitting Y/N on the arm.

“Nothing, I just didn’t feel like coming after all” Y/N mumbled annoyed.

“But you sounded so excited when you told us earlier this morning, you said they’re really good!” Kat questioned slightly surprised.

“Yeah, I just- I don’t know…” Y/N mumbled once more, looking into the distance, her eyes fixed on the blond man, who was getting dangerously close to the brunette’s face just to pull away with a satisfied grin.

“I’m going for a drink” Y/N told her friends, leaving them dumbfounded.

_Smile, shake hands, leave._

Y/N tried to squeeze herself between spaces, not minding to excuse herself when she walked in the middle of someone’s conversation, all that she needed at the moment was a drink, straight -no soda water, nothing- just a straight shot of whatever she can get her hands on.

Suddenly she bumped into someone, she was about to tell them off but she stayed quiet when she saw who it was:

“Roger?” she swallowed thickly.

He didn’t even bother on answering, he just kept on walking towards the side of the stage, the guitarist next to him, _Brian_ she recalled from their conversations

“Don’t be rude, Rog.” Brian said, but he didn’t manage to stop Roger from walking. “Sorry.” He mouthed, Y/N shrugged.

“What can I get you, love?” Ben, the bartender asked Y/N, she already knew the man, she vented to him every once in a while.

“Two shots of whatever.” Y/N replied, Ben just stared at her with worry.

“Two shots of whatever it is then.” He said, pulling out two shot glasses, filling them with vodka and as soon as he was done with his job Y/N downed them in a single breath before slapping a bill on the bar.

“Thanks, now can you give me my usual, please?” She asked.

“Bad day?” Ben asked her, preparing her drink.

“Not really, the early morning was great, but now not so great, truth be told. I always get down with the same shit, you know?” Ben just hummed in response, putting her drink in front of her, and before she could pay he shook his head, declining the money.

“It’s on the house, you need it, love.” He winked and she smiled, returning to the booth where her friends were sitting.

“Hey, there you are! We thought you might have left, we wouldn’t have blamed you, love.” Kat stated, Y/N shrugged her off.

“I’ll be fine, thanks for worrying, girls.” Y/N told them, grabbing both girls’ hands. The three girls kept chatting, sharing laughs and staring at both girls and boys, making Donna noticeably flustered.

All that Roger could do was stare from a distance with a scowl and a pout, his arms crossed over his chest not really paying mind to what Brian was telling him, his focus on Y/N who even from where he was standing could see that behind those laughs and giggles she was off. _What a prick_.

“Roger! What’s wrong with you tonight? First the incident with the girl back there and now you’re not even listening to me.” Brian threw his arms upwards in exasperation as he let out a huff.

“Wait for me here.” Roger stated.

“Wh-What?”

Roger was decided to talk to Y/N, apologise for being a shithead, and almost as if she felt his gaze, their eyes met. Y/N furrowed her brows, one eyebrow being considerably higher than the other in inquiry, her smile died and her laughter did as well, and even in the pub’s shitty light he could tell that her eyes had a mix of confusion and anger that no matter how hard she tried to push down, she wasn’t able to keep it there.

“I’ll be right back” Y/N mumbled, never taking her eyes off of him, Kat and Donna shared glances before nodding in acknowledgement.

Just like before, Y/N made her way through the mass of bodies in an attempt to get to something, this time being Roger and not alcohol. Meanwhile, Roger was doing the same, but unlike Y/N he wasn’t angry nor in a bad mood to not say _excuse me_ and _sorry_ every once in a while, making him slower in the task of meeting Y/N in the middle. Suddenly he realised that Y/N had already reached his place and before he could even open his mouth to even say anything Y/N beat him to it:

“What?” _She’s annoyed_ , he thought, _fuck_.

“I –he paused in contemplation– I was wondering what were you doing here, ‘s all” _That’s the way to go, Rog_ , he mentally reprimanded himself.

“You- I- Fuck- You don’t remember, do you?” Y/N sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose, “I should’ve known better than to come, I’ll leave, see you later tonight, unless you leave with the brunette then don’t bother on coming to my place.” Y/N rambled, less annoyed, now she felt hurt and stupid, indeed she should have known better.

Y/N didn’t even let Roger answer her question –not like she needed an answer–, she just walked away, holding herself, her back no longer straightened as it was when she got there to confront him, her body posture screamt insecurity.

* * *

She closed her flat’s door with a sad sigh, she ran one hand through her hair out of habit as the other turned the lights on. She felt so stupid for believing even for just one moment that Roger actually could remember what he had told her that same day many hours ago but more than that, she felt stupid for actually going and getting excited over it. They might see each other every other night, but they’ve never seen each other so publicly, around their friends; their meeting place was her place, especially because Y/N was too afraid to have the guts to go to his flat just to find another girl on her side of the bed.

Every time that she felt that she got considerably closer to him he seemed to push her away or to not recall or mean what he said less than 24 hours before. The worst part of it all is that she didn’t mind the grey area she was in, she was so in love with the thought of him –no, with him– that she was happy with the few things that he gave her, with the reassuring words, with the slurred words before he fell asleep; that was enough for her, but she desired more, she wanted to wake up with him still by her side, to have him around when the light was provided by the sun and not the stars and moon. But she took what little she could get, the chances he unconsciously gave her, like tonight. Except tonight was a mess and she wished that it never happened.

She left the pub just before their first set ended, wanting to listen and enjoy the music, to feel it pumping through her veins, to catch on Freddie’s excitement; so she did, she stayed but not long enough so that Roger could catch her before she left, before he could convince her to stay up for him. But apparently that wasn’t enough, because a knock on her front door made her jump and the man standing on the other side was the last person she wanted to see but also the person she needed beside her the most.

“Roger, wha-” Y/N tried to say, but her sentence was cut short by Roger grabbing her face and brushing his lips against hers, trying to test the waters before truly diving into a kiss.

Y/N was flabbergasted, for a moment she wasn’t sure of what she had to do, but in the end she caved in, her eyes fluttered close and her hands flew to the neck of his open shirt, pulling him closer to her, his hands moving from her face to the small of her back one travelling down further to grab her ass. That slow movement made Y/N gasp, Roger smirked triumphantly at her reaction, taking the opportunity given he decided to nudge her tongue with his, said action was received gratefully by Y/N, who started to move them inside the flat instead of the doorway. Roger kicked the door close and now that he was sure he was welcomed into her place he broke off the kiss.

Y/N’s face radiated heat, and if he could press his head to her chest he could be able to listen to the accelerated beat of her heart, her lips were slightly ajar and her eyes were still closed, almost savouring the moment for a few more seconds.

“Y/N, I-” Roger started, but he was cut off by Y/N’s lips.

“Please don’t say a thing.” She mumbled against his lips as her hands were messily working on his shirt’s buttons.

“Y/N! –Roger abruptly pulled apart– I’m trying to apologise”.

“Oh, go ahead then” Y/N replied, her hand instantly going to her clothes, trying to make them presentable, almost as if she hadn’t wanted him to take them off less than a minute ago.

“I shouldn’t have been such an arsehole back there, and I probably –Y/N raised an eyebrow– no, wait, I shouldn’t have asked you why you were doing at the pub, that was a stupid thing to ask, I’m sorry, love” Roger said, cupping her cheek, Y/N leaned unconsciously on the hand resting on her face, taking in its roughness and warmth.

“ ‘s okay.” She answered, Roger just pecked her lips.

But that peck turned into a deeper kiss, Roger –as usual– was leading the kiss, but it didn’t stop Y/N from teasingly pulling on his lower lip, yearning for a reaction of any kind. Roger’s tongue didn’t take long to come out and play, brushing Y/N’s lip, waiting for her to open her mouth; Y/N decided to make him wait a little longer, but Roger didn’t want that, so like last time, his hand dropped down to her ass, grabbing it and slightly massaging it. That action surely did make Y/N gasp, Roger took it as his opportunity to finally fully deepen the kiss.

In an almost déja-vu moment, Y/N’s hands started to busy themselves by untucking and unbuttoning Roger’s shirt, and as soon as the task at hand was done she pushed it off his shoulders, her hands staying on his chest, enjoying the warmth and the constant beat of his heart; but after one of Roger’s hand started to travel inside her shorts she moved her hands up to the back of his neck, pulling at the hair in the back, urging him to do something other than just kiss and tease.

But instead Roger decided to take his hand away, breaking off the kiss for a couple of seconds just to take off her red top, revealing the Rose tattoo that rested on the top of her right breast as well as the fact that she wasn’t wearing a bra underneath the garment he had just taken off. His lips started to trail down her neck, a small whine leaving Y/N’s pouted lips as he went lower and lower, sucking a mark right on top of the flower. His hands were travelling up her waist to her chest, cupping them in his rough hands and then one wrapped around the side of her neck, making her gasp.

“Please Roger.” She begged, pulling on his hair.

“Jump.” He said, both hands going down to her ass and to her tight, to make the job of wrapping her legs around him easier.

“Bedroom, Rog, please.” She whined, earning a chuckle from him.

Roger’s lips trailed upwards to meet with hers once again, Y/N moaned into the kiss and Roger just hummed in response, his hips involuntarily thrusting upwards to meet with hers, making them both gasp a little as if they’ve never done this before, like they were teens, like they didn’t play the same games every night, the same scenario and the same scenes.

They enjoyed it anyway, the feel of their bodies pressed against one another, their heavy breathing, the moaning, everything. They lived for it, they savoured each other like they’ve never eaten before.

When they arrived to her room, he realised that he ached for her, never wanting to part. So, without letting go of her he sat down on the edge of the bed, leaving her sitting on top of him, their chests tightly pressed against one another, leaving barely any room between each other –not like they wanted to be apart. So without their kiss breaking, Y/N straightened up, her hands travelling to the button of her shorts, popping it open so she could easily take them off; Roger’s hands quickly travelled to its waistband, ready to help her out of them, but he stopped when he felt her cold fingers fiddling with his belt.

They both took their sweet time at pleasing the other, loving any reaction that came out of their mouths –call it moans, whines, grunts, or the broken versions of their names–, they enjoyed this carnal version of frustration relief, where both of them could stay satisfied with the results. They tried their best to please the other, putting in an effort to relish on the ethereal sounds that could come out of their mouths, whether they were down at their knees –like Y/N was earlier– or with their head between the other’s legs –like Roger tonight.

It always felt as if it all happened incredibly fast, the taste of the other was still lingering on their mouth, leaving a bittersweet feeling that could only be washed away when they see each other the following night.

Now, Y/N was lying comfortably on Roger’s sweaty chest as he drew small random figures on her back, causing goosebumps to erupt all throughout her skin, she felt whole and content with the position she was currently in, not really wanting to think about what will happen before she wakes up later that day. Her head was going a thousand miles an hour, a feeling of regret and pain suddenly settling in her agitated mind so without really putting a lot of thought into it, she blurted out:

“Have you ever thought of the future, Rog?”

He straightened up and cleared his throat, “Yeah, I’ve seen myself with the guys, touring the world, meeting new people, new friends, making more music… “ Even though that wasn’t the direction her question was heading to, she enjoyed the sound of his voice too much to actually interrupt him to clarify.

A silence fell upon them and Y/N took her head off of his chest, deciding to sit up a bit to meet his eyes, the same eyes she was to mad to stare at less than three hours before, the same eyes she searched for when he was sitting behind the drum kit –despite her anger.  
“That’s not what I meant.” She looked down in shame, she had already started the conversation, and no matter how hard she bit her tongue she had to finish the talk one way or the other, knowing that he would find a way to coax it out of her.

He furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. “So what did you mean?”

“I meant, our future.” She mumbled in response and as soon as the words left her lips she regretted ever opening her mouth.

Roger was unable to answer, his mouth hung open, unfit to form a sentence. He ran a hand through his hair, the feeling of her fingers running through the locks still very much present, just like the taste of her lips, of her, in general.

“You know, that was a stupid question, it’s late, I should just go to sleep.” Y/N quickly rambled, a knot on her throat forming quickly.

“Yeah, good night.” Was all he managed to answer.

Y/N wrapped her arms around herself, her back turned to him, mirroring his position, their bodies lacking the contact of the other. Y/N was angry at herself for her commentary, but she knew deep down that it had to be asked at some point, and though it felt as if she had chosen the worst moment to ask such thing, it was better to do it now than later when they reach the two year mark –a mark that wasn’t too far away.

_Brilliantly done for a smile, shake hands, and leave._


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Didn't have the time to proof-read it, whoops! Sorry!

The light was streaming through the almost translucent curtains, warming the room up nicely; birds were chirping at each other, content at today’s weather, thankful for a sunny day instead of the typical foggy grey-ish looking one. It looked as if today was a promising day, one to spend outside, walking in a park, maybe having a picnic with your friends; a day to fall in love and to be truly happy even if you were just having a lazy day with your lover.

Roger woke up due to the light that burned his eyelids, indicating that it was early in the morning and that he had to leave before Y/N woke up. Last night was different to him, it felt different at least, they rarely talked about that kind of transcendental stuff -the future, you know?-, they rather just joke around, as if they were real friends, as if they weren’t naked under the covers and they were just lazing. 

Last night felt special, he reckoned, they seemed more connected than usual and Roger was okay with that, but simultaneously he was really scared about it, he didn’t tend to form substantial bonds with the people he kept this type of relationships, he rather just do what his body craved for and leave, no more words required, just the carnality of the whole ordeal. But with Y/N was different, there were so many interesting things that he enjoyed about her, and unlike the other woman that he frequented, he had to work to get to her, she was unique because she was herself and nobody else. So why was he so afraid?

With a sigh, he looked over his shoulder, Y/N was still very much asleep on the other side of the bed they were still lying on, small snores slipped from her mouth intermittently, she looked calm, a similar feeling resting on Roger’s chest as he gazed at her with tenderness, a feeling that soon was replaced with pure guilt.

He stretched his arms over his head and stood up wanting to crack his back but stopping so that he wouldn’t wake her up. Even though he had considered staying multiple times he always decided against it, so as usual he just grabbed his things from where they laid randomly on her floor and took them to the hallway, where he started to dress himself in the clothes he found on the way out of her flat.

Like most times, guilt rested on the pit of his stomach making him feel fidgety and uneasy, he hated leaving and he hated lying. He groaned as he rubbed his face with both hands, last night repeating in his head, the question, her skin, her lips, and how she opened up her soul, he was really stupid for ignoring such raw moment and even more for not speaking up.

_ “Say you’re mine” He groaned, his head lulling forward in concentration, sweat dripping off his face, mixing with hers as it cascaded down the valley of her chest. _

_ “I’m yours.” She moaned into his ear, earning a grunt in return as she clawed at his back, surely leaving some red marks. _

_ The small pang of pain apparently edged Roger as he responded in an animalistic manner: “Yes, you are.” _

_ “And I’m yours” he mumbled, before kissing her, such mumble was lost by the feeling of each other’s lips and the slapping sounds their bodies made as they rocked against one another, the headboard moving in harmony. _

_ He's never felt more alive... _

He looked around her flat, taking everything in, truly second-guessing if he should leave or not, but his mind was suddenly taken off the topic when his eyes caught sight of a little notepad lying on her countertop, a pen next to it. A thought crossed his mind and he decided to listen to it, so he grabbed the notepad and pen and wrote down a simple sentence for Y/N to read once she wakes up.

As if a note could make his departure any less hurtful, as if it could cover all the things he was keeping from her.

* * *

Mirroring Roger's wakening, Y/N woke up with the tender touch of the unusual rays of sun grazing the exposed skin of her back, echoing the touch of Roger's coarse fingertips, even in her sleep she swore she could still feel his touch. Unlike earlier in the morning the birds have ceased chirping and the only hint of their presence were their silhouettes intermittently blocking the sunlight; they were basking in the gift that was the sun, its appearance was bizarre, so when the clouds decided to let the star come out and play, nature sung along to the tune that the light gave off.

Even though her brain already knew that Roger was no longer laying next to her, the ghosts that danced on her skin made heart hopeful, she longed to find him in the same place he was in when they decided to fall asleep; reason why when she turned her body on herself and face the other side of the bed, her fingers stretched in search of her partner's body heat, yet she found nothing but coldness and the empty bed, leaving a similar feeling on the centre of her chest. It's amazing how, after all this time, she can still keep her hopes up.

Y/N's hand mindlessly patted around the place where Roger used to rest, and with a saddened sigh, and after finally giving up, she lied on her back, her hand coming up to rest on her forehead, the feeling of emptiness spreading throughout her body at a much slower pace than pleasure spreads out. With a shake of her head, she decided to begin sitting up on the bed, firstly using her elbows then the heels of her hands and when she finally was in a comfortable sitting position she moved her body closer to the headboard as to lean her head on the cold surface. 

Yet another sigh escaped her lips as she rubbed the tiredness off her eyes, she didn't necessarily know why she was tired, maybe it was the outcome of last nights events or... she was tired of running around in circles, chasing Roger endlessly on this ridiculous cycle. Now, she groaned in frustration. Y/N had found herself stuck in yet another series of emotions, as of lately her feelings have ranged from love and appreciation to despair and anger, Roger really had her fucked up.

She swiftly threw the scarce covers that were left on her to the other side of the bed making her shiver, consequence of the quick exposure to the sudden gust of air that came through her open window. Her arms flew up to her breasts in an attempt to cover herself both from the cold and the physical vulnerability related to being naked. And like that, she made her way to her bathroom, despite being in her own flat that little walk felt as if it was emulating the popularly known " _ walk of shame _ ". 

Without much going through her head, she started to get the shower ready for her liking, the water hot, but not hot enough to burn her skin red. As she jumped under the constant beating of the water her mind went numb and her actions quickly switched to auto-pilot, she wasn't up to giving the Roger situation more thought, knowing that if she let her head keep weaving this fantasies she will end up hurting herself even further, parallelly, she also knew that picturing tragic and saddening endings to this thing they had going on wasn't any good for her mental health, either. She was perfectly aware of how her mind could wander off and she was afraid that if she let herself do so, she might end up facing Roger and finally wrapping things up before they wrapped themselves, not a happy outcome, though.

Finally turning off the water of her shower she stepped out of the fog with a towel loosely wrapped around her chest as she held another towel to her hair, giving it a soft yet lazy massage as if to dry it up. On her way out the bathroom to her room, she quickly exchanged the hair towel with a brush, carefully unknotting the mess that was her hair.

With a huff, she opened her closet doors, looking for something nice to wear on an equally as nice day. She was going out with Kat and Donna once again, just this time they decided it was wiser to meet in this sweet little café before heading to Biba instead of meeting at a pub to watch Y/N's lover perform. She quickly threw on her underwear and some bell-bottom brown suede pants, a white button-down sleeveless shirt with a barely-there flower design; and for shoes, a pair of heeled brown and beige suede loafers.

She took a quick glance on her full body mirror, trying to make up her mind on how many buttons she was going to leave unbuttoned. After making up her mind, she was begging to the gods that the mark Roger left wasn't visible if she were to bent over a bit or if the flap of the shirt were to move slightly. Huffin out, her eyes quickly diverted to her face -she decided to ignore the hickey, it was there, fuck what people thought- her hair was brushed out, parted by the middle, sho all she did was brush the front strands behind her ears with the help of a white headband. As she got closer to examine her face, she quickly made up her mind to not over-do her make-up, she'll just brush her eyebrows, add some black mascara to both her top and bottom eyelashes and paint her lips a soft hue of pink.

With a shake of her head, she made her way to her small living room, deciding it was rather wise to water her plants and feed the cat before she went out with the girls. As she poured water on the mildly dry soil she muttered soft encouraging words, complimenting the way that their flowers bloomed or how green their leaves were, caressing the beautiful plants that made her home look lively, plants that she took care of religiously, keeping her somewhat grounded and making her small flat look lively, turning it into a home of her own. Next, she opened the door to her flat, knowing that it was almost certain that Whiskers was standing patiently outside waiting for her daily treat, although Whiskers wasn't hers, she loved him endlessly, he was a lovely cat, endlessly spoiled by everyone that lived in the building.

After leaving a small plate with food outside her door, she took her bag and left the flat, locking the door behind her -a thing that she had initially forgotten about-. As she walked down the street, she took notice on how despite it being sunny outside, a nice gentle breeze of air run from one side of the city to the other, and how when she got tired of the burning sun and she decided to hide herself in the shadows the buildings casted she got cold. Still, she made her way to the café near Biba that the trio frequented, her stomach groaning in protest as she realised she hadn't even had the care of taking an apple or some other snack to eat on her way to the café.

When she got there, she found herself facing the quiet little café, Donna nor Kat anywhere to be seen, so she made her way to one of the tables in the back, a waiter not far behind her, offering a menu with a soft smile. She quickly scanned the menu, pretending to make up her mind in something to eat, the waiter just stood there with a smile, Y/N went there quite often and she always ordered the same thing, he was taking her order in consideration, because the people behind the bar were already making her usual.

"I'll have... I don't know, the usual I guess" she answered, _there you have it, bingo_!

Everyone in here knew her already, the trio had the tendency to hang out there every once in a while, sometimes they just went there to relax or study, other times they reunited to chat and eat, prepare themselves before heading to Biba or whatever store they had in mind that day.

Y/N waited for her friends to arrive, they usually arrived on time, but strangely enough, the pair were taking a little more time to get there. You see, Kat and Donna were roommates, which made hanging out way easier for the three girls, they could all chill in Kat and Donna's place and have Y/N share a bed with one of them. Also, that meant that when they decided to go out Kat and Donna arrived simultaneously, and usually quite punctually, maybe they overslept.

Though Y/N's thoughts were quickly diverted when she saw Roger walking past the café, a know quickly forming on the pit of her stomach and maybe even her throat when she saw the same brunette from the night before running to catch up with him right in front of the large window showcasing the place, right in front of Y/N. It all seemed like a very poor written joke and she was having none of it, especially after seeing how the brunette's hand looked for the warmth of Roger's, smiling up to him and getting a smile in return... why couldn't she be her? It wasn't fair, it wasn't right, she felt played with, was she just that? _A toy_?

The clearing of a throat broke her out of her sad daze, as the waiter from before looked at her with an understanding smile, placing her black tea in front of her along with a croissant and a pain au chocolat; she smiled in return, though the smile never reached her eyes and the hunger she once felt when she arrived quickly dissipated into a feeling of nothingness, sickness even.

With a mumble of a ' _thanks_ ' she started to play around with her food, adding sugar and milk to her tea, even though she didn't really think she was going to drink it, too afraid that it would propitiate her sickness. But she didn't need to eat or drink anything to make the queazy feeling in her stomach grow, no siree, all she needed was to see Roger and the girl walking into the café, holding hands, finger intertwined.

Her gaze never left him as her eyes quickly watered, and he felt her eyes on him, how couldn't he? He had seen her the moment they stopped in front of the little place, he knew this place from Y/N's stories, he was well aware that this place was Y/N's little place and here he was, standing with another woman by his side, oh how he felt stupid right now, he knew he shouldn't have walked in there, he knew he was making a huge mistake, but he wasn't able to stop Gina -that was the brunette's name- from entering the warm looking café.

Roger had met Gina not too long ago, he had bumped into her at Biba to be exact when looking for clothes with Freddie and Mary. He wasn't planning on talking to her, but she was too kind and too sweet, and he was too stupid, he never dared stop her from talking. And one thing let to the other, and next thing you know they were seeing one another, Gina didn't know about Y/N and Y/N didn't know about Gina, until know, and he could feel the betrayal in her eyes without even looking at her, he had turned Y/N down so many times, too scared to fuck things up; but here he stood with another girl under his arm, a real douche.

Y/N's hand shakily rose, calling for the waiter, she was taking her food with her and she was heading back home, she couldn't stand the thought of being near them, she didn't know if it was out of pain and hurt or maybe even disgust. He quickly arrived by her side and she gently gave the food back to him, asking if he could wrap it up for her to take and if he could tell her how much she had to pay for it. And so he did.

He returned to the table with her food in a little bag and the bill for her breakfast, so she was quick to pull out some pounds, not caring for how much money she was leaving as tip, she was aching to leave and so she did, only bothering to write a quick apology note to her friends, she knew they'd understand.

As Y/N left the café, Roger finally dared to look at her and in doing so he could tell how badly he had screwed up. Y/N looked gorgeous, with her hair flowing down her back, barely being put back by the pearly white headband that rested on her head, her eyes, despite the sadness that had found its home there, were gorgeously framed by the darkened lashes, lashes that were starting to stain her lids, as they were wet from the tears that threatened to escape her eyes -he had made her cry, and it made him feel awful every time-; her lips that once were painted a light shade of pink were turning a paler shade by the second, as she was removing its colour every time her tongue darted out to wet the drying skin, same skin that was being bitten down as a way to anchor herself to stop the tears from forming. There she went, one of the most beautiful girls he had ever been with, he should've run for her, he should've chased her, but his feet felt heavy as his hand was wrapped around someone else's.

Y/N quickly hailed a passing by cab, wanting to get home as soon as possible, yearning to leave the awful scene behind, same scene that replayed in her head. Roger didn't kiss Gina nor anything close to it, but the proximity that they shared gave Y/N chest pains. She looked out the window absentmindedly as she told the cab driver were to take her, her fingers tracing small figures on her legs, trying to keep herself grounded.  _ Don't cry _ ...

As Y/N's gaze was kept on the outside, she took notice on how the weather changed, the sun that she was awoken by was no longer in sight, hidden behind the typical London clouds, it appeared as if rain was soon to approach but it didn't, it just taunted the brave folks walking around unprotected from the unstable weather. The birds that were once caught flying around had made up their minds and decided on heading back to their respective nests; the warmth that hung on the air had been replaced by stronger winds, leaving Y/N feeling cold not only externally but from the inside as well.

Y/N handed the driver some money and headed to her flat, her feet dragging as she went. The weather had indeed forgiven her, for as she passed the entrance to the complex rain started to pour. With a sigh, she got her keys out, only stopping herself from entering to pet Whiskers, who purred at the saddened woman, he could feel it radiating off of her and he didn't know what else to do to comfort her but this sole thing.

Once she closed the door behind her she fell to the floor, her back against the wood as she just let the tears roll down her cheeks, no sobs came out of her mouth, no sound escaped her, she just wanted to let everything out at once before pretending everything was okay. The living room's window was open, intensifying the lack of warmth in the place, she lived alone but never felt the solitude, not until today, the only company she kept was Whiskers, her plants and Roger, though she quickly realized she had to stop counting him as a company. The tears that were streaming down her face were leaving wet patches on her shirt and pants, not like she minded, but it made her shiver every time wind blew through the window.

She didn't know how long had she been sitting there, just crying her eyes out, but once she felt she had no tears left to cry she stood up, placing the cold food on the countertop and as she was about to open the bag her eyes drifted to a small piece of paper, lying out of place.

_ Sorry for leaving, dove. Maybe I'll stay one day... A future for the two of us. _


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for taking this long to put this up, I was waiting for my proofreader to answer my e-mail but before I realised a long long LOOOONG time had passed, so I decided to just post it, I gotta admit it’s not my best work, but I hope the people that enjoyed the past few bits enjoy this one as well.

The last few days had broken the cycle Y/N had remained in for the last few years, yet they remained monotonous all the same.

Quite in brand for the London life, the birds never came out to bask in the sun, for the sun never came, similarly to Y/N it had stayed hidden behind the grey coloured clouds too scared to face the outside. For tourist or newcomers, the clouds were a threat and an impediment when you desired to tell what time was it; you could barely distinguish when time passed, for the colour palette remained the same, a scale of greys that lightened or darkened as the hands of the clock advanced.

The bed Y/N laid on had never felt this cold and empty, she had lost the shield that protected her body from the incoming breeze that blew through the open windows; now, all she faced was an old scent that brought tears to her eyes, tears that ultimately fell, no matter how hard she tried to stop them from doing so -how stupid are you? she reprimanded herself with an unconvincing tone. Those tears were hot and burned the skin as they rolled down her face, they were tears fo anger and disgust, feelings not only directed towards herself but directed to Roger as well.

The route that travelled from her door to her room looked deserted because as of lately there were no clothes to pick up from the carpeted floors. Her skin had grown quickly unaccustomed to him, there were no ghosts of kisses and touches, she had even lost the few bruises his lips had painted on her skin. Not only did he walk out of her life -unwillingly so, for the note that he left behind didn’t hint on his activities- he had left her body, but not her soul, never her soul, and that pained her.

_A knock…_

_A single knock._

If Y/N could describe said knock the word that first crawled inside her mind would be undecisive, maybe hesitant, especially because there were no other knock following the first. To Y/N it was evident who was knocking on her door, she quickly discarded the thought of her friends checking on her for they had no decency and no respect for her personal space they tended to just walk in without an invitation, unlocking the door with the spare key Y/N had given them years ago; this person was Roger, she was certain of that, he always waited for her to open the door for him, to answer for his calls, but due to the recent situation he had placed them into she had no energy to answer the door for him, to look him in the eyes and not burst into tears of both anger and hurt.

Roger had come in search for her before and she never answered, he swore that once -a few days ago- she locked the door right before him rejecting his presence; other times he had heard her choke sobs, not quite prepared to talk to him. It broke him to pieces to hear her cry and not do anything to stop it, furthermore, he knew that he was the cause to her tears, her cries and her pain. He was well aware of his actions, but standing there, with only a wall separating the two of them he realised he never thought of the consequences they would bring.

“Y/N, please open the door, I really want to talk, I… I’m sorry” Roger’s voice drawled out, a hint of exhaustion deep in his voice, annoyment was soon to find a home there too if Y/N kept on ignoring him. His usual raspy voice had lowered its tune a few semitones and the roughness of the rasp became more prominent, such tone made Y/N shiver and her heart ache. She wasn’t ready, not quite, not yet.

Y/N’s mind had been running in circles, more than ever before, she wasn’t sure on what to do with the situation and herself, troubled when thinking about ways to explain her knotted up mind, how to get out the heartbreak in sentences and also explain her anger and all the strong emotions that ran through her body for people to understand -maybe even help herself understand. Every time she thought about what to do she came empty-handed, she had tried to prepare a speech that soon was going to be presented to the perpetrator of her afflictions, a speech that was supposedly helping to fully convey her feelings, a mirror where he could gaze into and turn into a person that understood, a song that he could resonate with, a painting that he could break apart to gaze at the full picture. She wanted for him to understand how troubled her mind had become, but her words trembled, the mirror broke every time, the song was offbeat and the painting was off frame.

She let time pass, she did reach the door but she never found the strength to open it, she just stood in front of it, leaning on the back of couch placed near, her back was arched forward as her arms crossed on her chest pulling the front of her sweater closer to her in hopes that it could aid with the coldness that she currently felt.

Their bodies were placed parallel to each other, the wall and door parallel as well. Roger was leaning on the door, his arm resting on the cold material, his head finding its place on top of it soon enough, his gaze was lowered, but his eyes were closed, he knew she wouldn’t open the door, but he was going to die trying, hoping to make things right.

“Please…” he whispered, the sound blocked by the door, never reaching her ears.

Y/N was just waiting, she was expecting the sound of his steps indicating his departure. With a sigh Roger took his head off the wood, sparing one last look at the door before leaving, he was tired of coming, of calling but he had to leave things straight with her, she deserved as much, he made the mistake of not doing just that before, he had to at least do it now. His steps were slow and dragged out, not caring to pick up his feet as he went and with that Y/N empathizes, for she felt as tired as his steps sounded.

Y/N let a breath escape from between her lips as she felt herself unwind, her shoulders loosening as she finally sat down on the single sofa she was just leaning into. Her eyes stung and her throat felt tight and constricted, she felt like crying her eyes out, but the tears never came. Her eyes resembled the ever-threatening clouds that hovered over London, omnipresent and always grey, but not omnipotent, not always ready to rain down.

As Y/N stared out the window her mind divagated, ever since she caught Roger with Gina she did such thing more often, her mind was always active, always working on a memory or a thought, but mostly remembering. Her head was mostly filled with the poisonous memory of Roger holding someone else, causing pain to pull at her heart; other times she filled in the gap with memories that once upon a time she considered oh-so-joyful that even made her hopeful, that helped the threading of an unrealistic future with Roger, now all that they brought were pain and a strange feeling of incompetence.

Y/N shook her shoulders as if it could help to shake the venomous thoughts that constipated her head, pulling her hair from between her fingers she bit her lip, holding down a scream. She leaned forward, her elbows resting on her knees, reddening the skin around the pressure point, she felt stressed and sad, angry but lonely.

Her lip started to hurt badly, her teeth had been sinking into the soft skin far too long, but she took notice her lips weren’t the only thing that stained, the palms of her hands’ pounding and burning from how hard her nails had been digging there as well.

Y/N’s emotions had been taking different directions and rightly so. She got sad and cold whenever Roger was near her when she could sense his presence from behind the thin walls; but just as soon as he left a sudden feeling of heat and anger boiled through her veins, the sadness and pity she felt dissipated whenever red clouded her view. Said red was quick to soften, but it never turned to pink, that colour had been long forgotten, only grey was left when the numbness and emptiness returned.

A huff escaped her lips as she stood up from the couch, a hand rubbing the right side of her face as she headed to the bathroom, despite her initial idea of not wanting to leave the house too afraid to even go near alcohol she finally decided against said original thought. Since the encounter at the café -if you could even call it that- she hadn’t touched a single droplet of alcohol, she had tried her best to stay away from it, afraid that it would ultimately lead her to Roger and her spitting out her feelings the wrong way; but oh, did she crave the burn of the booze down her throat, she desired the warmth it provided, warmth that she lacked for she had no one resting by her side, just a ghost of a memory that she desired to get rid off with the daziness that alcohol provided.

In an automated way, Y/N prepared the shower for her liking and jumped under the water, the warmth it provided as well as the force it hit with quickly made her muscles lose some tension. Y/N finished showering soon enough, doing a quick job on drying her body before wrapping a towel around her chest and another around her hair.

Y/N headed to her room and as she passed her mirror she couldn’t help but notice how red the skin around her eyes and nose had become from the constant crying and blowing off the nose; a groan left her mouth accompanied with a 'fuck’, her demeanour quickly changing when she remembered that no one really cared. So with that same attitude, she headed towards her closet, pulling out a pair of bell-bottomed high-waisted jeans and a white blouse, pairing the whole outfit with a pair of dark brown boots.

As she stared at the mirror her hands travelled to her face, pressing her cold fingertips against the swollen skin. After she felt the tips of her fingers warming up she loosened the pressure, moving her hands upwards to her hair, teasing it slightly as she ran her fingers through the knotted up strands; then she picked up the strands in both of her hands, pulling it upwards in a high ponytail, and as she stared at her reflection she realised that her face was better off with all her hair being pulled away from the frame of her face, so she took the end of the makeshift ponytail and started twirling it around her fingers, laying the twist of hair on top of her head, keeping it in place with a series of hairpins and a rosé coloured ribbon.

Taking her purse from where she had hung it up by the door she headed out her cold flat and as she reached outside the building she lived in a gust of air hit her face, a few drops of leftover rain hit her skin leaving a refreshing feeling behind, she felt alive for a few seconds as she breathed in the familiar scent of petrichor a sigh of content naturally escaping from her.

The time she took in search of a cab was short and before she realised she was in her usual pub, Ben waving at her from the bar, wave she could barely reciprocate as her mind fogged up with even more images of Roger, images she hoped that alcohol will blackout soon enough.

Plopping down on the uncomfortable seat of the bar stool Y/N’s eyes met with Ben’s and without the need of words, he kept himself busy making her a drink, he could tell by how the corners of her eyes sloped downwards and how her teeth pulled on the inside of her cheek that something had happened and he was willing to listen to whatever she had to say.

He placed the tall glass in front of her as he leaned in her direction, making her huff through her nose and twist her neck to face him, a dark look crossing her eyes, a strange combination of anger and maybe even grief, sadness and hatred, but not towards Ben; he knew that look well enough, having been in the receiving end of it many times, but never the recipient of the feelings, he was aware of the fact that she needed more alcohol to even get her tongue loose enough to start spilling out whatever was pulling at her severely hurt heart.

It was drink after drink, Ben obviously had to keep count of them but numbers never crossed Y/N’s mind, she just needed for the number to grow enough for her eyes to blur from the intoxication and not from tears. A sad trembling sigh escaped Y/N’s lips making Ben’s head shoot up, it was his queue, she was ready to talk.

“Is it my fault?” Y/N said, her voice hoarse from the lack of use.

“What did I do? What does she have that I don’t? Did I arrive at the wrong time? Did I meet him at the wrong time? Because I don’t know how to explain any of this, was it me? Did I feel too much? Did I do too much? Was I too much?” Y/N’s eyes met Ben’s as her words slipped from her lips constant but shaky all the same. Tears had started to pool yet they stayed static on the rims of her eyes, threatening to fall on the wooden bar. Her breathing was accelerated, heaving and she looked as if she was starting to have a hard time doing it.

Ben’s hands held hers, tenderly rubbing circles on the soft skin of the back of her hand “Breathe with me - _inhale, exhale_ \- and tell me what happened that made you question yourself like this, you’re not making any sense, love.”

“He has someone else, Ben, he’s been fucking someone else and he’s been seeing her in public, he holds her hand, he kisses her in the street… It’s- It’s like someone crawled inside my head and decided to fuck with me, this someone hates me! Th-they decided to give me the most beautiful wings I have ever seen, they knew I wanted to-to fly! But -Y/N inhaled quickly, her hands moving from side to side as pain controlled her words and motions, then she proceeded- as I was ready to flutter away to-to the stars, the sun in search of my desired reality they f-fucking ripped the wings off, they brunt them even when they were still attached to my body and made me watch it all, they laughed in my face… This someone cut my brain open and realised what I feared the most and made my harshest insecurities a reality” Y/N’s words were poetic sounding, the use of allegories and metaphors were nothing new for Ben, quite used to the way Y/N expressed herself.

As Ben was ready to tell her some reassuring words that might or might not help ease the pain that burnt through Y/N’s body, she interrupted him. “It was such a foul move, I felt betrayed Ben… Does destiny, God or fucking- ugh! I don’t know, who hates me that much? Why after the night we had did I have to see that? Why did I have to fucking see him walking into the café he knows I love with another girl? Why? Why couldn’t he just tell me he had someone else? Why does he make it seem as if I was nothing to him? As if I meant nothing? Why does he make it seem so easy to just not care? -then Y/N’s voice lowered to a mumble- Why did he call me his? Why did he say he was mine when he clearly isn’t? Why think about a future that doesn’t exist?” Said that she pulled out the crumpled up note he had left on her on the countertop of her kitchen, the paper felt heavy on her hands it burned her skin and as her eyes skimmed past the last few words left on the note -‘A future for the two of us’- her eyes burned too.

Ben was left with his mouth agape, so many tiny revelations pushed in a single statement that made his heart hurt for the poor girl in front of him. He looked at her -no, he observed- her hands were in fists and he could swear that he had caught a glimpse of a crescent-shaped figure on her palm when she unflexed her fingers; her eyes were red and the skin looked irritated from the constant brushing of the tissues and other fabrics she used to wipe away the tears, tears were constantly invading her eyes they were almost intermittent, never quite falling but always present; her posture that usually shifted between trying to look confident and relaxed was tense, she was hunched over herself, some people might describe the posture as a shame and insecurity ridden posture and it felt so strange on her.

Y/N sniffed and stood up from the stool, pulling her purse up to her chest, attempting to pull out enough money to pay for the alcohol she had drank; she wasn’t sure how much money she had handed Ben, but she trusted him enough to know that he wouldn’t have added drinks that she hadn’t actually drunk to her bill so with a tired smile she finally decided that it was time to tap out.

Waling outside the pub she was met once again with the familiar weather, humid with a light wind, she breathed in as if to help her ease herself before hailing a cab. A black car stopped in front of the pub and as Y/N sat down on the leather seats of the cab she offered the driver a kind smile.

“Where to?” He asked, but Y/N’s heart spoke before her head did and so, she found herself heading to Roger’s place.


	4. Chapter 4

_“Where to?” He asked, but Y/N’s heart spoke before her head did, and so, she found herself heading to Roger’s place._

Y/N looked out the window deep in thought, her brain had gone completely numb from the few drinks she had, but despite all of that she still felt the all-too-familiar panic starting to tickle her insides, making her squirm uncomfortably on the leather seat of the taxi she was in. She was attempting to regulate her breaths as she neared Roger’s house, a place she had only been to once, the first night they spent together after weeks of insistent tango.

> _“Hi, Dove” was the allegedly smooth opening sentence that left the lips of the blond-haired figure sliding into the booth across from Y/N_
> 
> _Y/N looked up from her drink with an amused smile, her eyes glistening under the dimmed light of the pub she found herself in. Her gaze swiftly ran up and down as she took in the details of the stranger facing her, his blond hair was long and shiny, its waves were loose and fell around his face, framing the outline of his cheeks. His eyes were a nice hue of blue, they shifted as the lights changed in intensity._
> 
> _“Dove?” Was Y/N’s reply, her smiling never faltering from her lips as she saw the stranger in front of her smile right back at her._
> 
> _“Love, Darling? Which do you prefer?”_
> 
> _“How about my name?” She answered, shrugging slightly._
> 
> _“Will you tell me? Or do I have to guess?” he teased._
> 
> _“Y/N, and what’s yours?” She replied, extending her hand towards the man._
> 
> _He took it in his as he said: “Roger”_
> 
> _“Well, it’s a pleasure to meet you, Roger.”_
> 
> * * *
> 
> _A couple of months had gone by since the first time she interacted with the over-confident blond, and despite how hard she tried to play the push-and-pull game they had going on; she also wanted to see what would happen when she let herself be pulled into him._
> 
> _For the past few months, Y/N had grown closer to Roger, but never as close as she desired, quickly taking notice of his Casanova tendencies she knew that the proximity she desperately craved was something so out of reach for them. And so, she found herself in his net, willing to play this tense match of chess; where she was certain she wouldn’t come out unbruised; still, she played and enjoyed the trip._
> 
> _Currently, Y/N was in the same pub where she had met Roger, the ice in her drink had melted as time had passed, she had been waiting for the other two-thirds of her group to arrive, but they had taken minutes no, hours to arrive and Y/N was quickly growing bored and exasperated._
> 
> _“Your friends aren’t coming?” Asked the bartender from across the counter, as he dried a recently washed glass, Y/N looked up to meet his eyes, not expecting him to speak to her, especially after an hour or two of static on his part._
> 
> _“Apparently no, I better leave, thanks” Y/N answered, slipping him enough money to cover what she had consumed for the night._
> 
> _As Y/N headed for the door, a hand wrapped around her arm, the roughness contrasted with the warmth it provided. Y/N’s eyes travelled down to the hand around her, then back up to meet the owner’s gaze, his eyes a bright blue. It was Roger._
> 
> _“Leaving so soon?” He teased with an amused spark in his eyes._
> 
> _“Yeah, my friends ditched me” Y/N answered, slightly embarrassed._
> 
> _“Well, I can keep you company,” was Roger’s gleeful answer._
> 
> _“Are you willing only to keep me company” Y/N teased, the words tumbling out of her mouth before she could stop them, not really thinking about the connotation they had._
> 
> _“I’d be willing to keep you company any day” Roger answered, pulling Y/N closer to him, their faces inches apart and their gazes unwavering neither one wanting to break eye contact. The tension around them was palpable._
> 
> _“Would you?” Y/N asked. Her voice became hoarse and trembling._

Soon enough, the taxi came to a halt. The man driving it turned to meet the lost gaze of the somewhat broken woman in front of him, but he said nothing, other than the fee that Y/N was meant to cover.

“ _What was she doing here?”_ Y/N wondered as she closed the taxi’s door, walking towards the front of Roger’s place.

She stood there contemplating. The chilly evening breeze making her cross her arms as it picked at her skin making a shiver run the length of her back, yet she wasn’t actually cold. Y/N rubbed her arms, the friction doing nothing to ease her nerves and warm her skin. A huff left her parted lips and made her eyes tear up just the slightest bit. She felt nothing physically but, her emotions were all over the place; the lines between them had become blurry from the alcohol she had drank earlier that night.

Her gaze was just as lost as before, not really focusing on anything in particular as her mind played scenes before her eyes, the sound from her giggles invaded her brain. The ghosts of the soft touches and kisses they had shared that one night returning to haunt her.

> _A moan escaped Y/N’s mouth between giggles, as Roger pressed her against the door of the small house he shared with his friends, a joyful almost childish laugh leaving him also, as, he tried to hide them by kissing Y/N, gently, as a smile tugged on both of their mouths._
> 
> _Y/N’s hand travelled down coming across the lump of his house keys. She swiftly took them in her hand, stopping Roger from brushing her lips again. She turned around to open the door, Roger’s eyes travelled to her ass, outlined by the vibrant material of her red mini; his hand thought before his brain did, and hand tugged her closer to him, drawing small circles and other figures on her hip and waist. Figures that were sure to make a chill travel up her spine._

_Light!_

Someone had turned on a light on the lower floor of the house which made Y/N get a small itch in her throat and a heavy feeling in the pit of her stomach. Still, Y/N took the presence of light as a cue to step closer to the front door; her lip tightly placed between her teeth making the soft skin redden close to breaking. Her hand was turned into a fist as she prepared herself mentally to knock on the wooden door.

_Knock, knock, knock._

A feeling of uncertainty made her jittery and anxious thoughts started to crawl up to her mind, but the alcohol that still ran through her body stopped them, before they truly settled in. Y/N waited -impatiently- for someone to open up the door. Some newfound anger made her blood boil. But was it truly anger?

Then, the door opened, revealing a droopy-eyed Roger. His eyes filled with the left-over images of a dream he had woken up from, but the images escaped him as he took her in.

“Y/N.”

Her name left his lips in a raspy voice, surprise clear in his eyes.

“You wanted to talk? I’m here to talk” Y/N answered. Her tone was anything but soft, causing Roger’s eyes to widen from the intensity carried in her voice.

Instead of Y/N waiting for an invitation inside by the blonde she strutted past him.Y/N didn’t Her shoulder bumped against the blond’s, in a way to make her point and intent known. She sat down on the messy sofa they kept in their made-up living room, lighting up a cigarette she kept on her for an unknown reason. Roger sat in front of her, very much aware of her state of mind. He could smell the booze where he stood, and he knew that sitting beside her would do them no good.

“I- I wanted to apologize,” Roger stated, breaking the tense silence that hung around the room. Y/N arched an eyebrow.

“For what exactly are you sorry, Roger?” she questioned with her eyebrow arching high on her forehead as she leaned forward resting both her elbows on her knees.

Roger’s mouth gaped, blubbering like a fish out of water. He had no real response.

Y/N continued after the lack of reply from Roger.

“Cause I’m sorry for a lot of stuff, I don’t know about you, though, I’m well aware that this whole situation is kind of my fault. Who told me that the right thing to do was to fall for an arse who didn’t want to commit? No one told me, instead everyone told me to walk away, but I don’t have the ability to do that like you do.”-Y/N paused to swallow the knot she felt tightening around her throat. -“I don’t have the guts to cut someone open, take their heart and offer it to the next person who walks by.”

“I didn’t do that!”

“I hope you know that Y/N,” Roger muttered between tightly closed teeth, as his anger rose. But unlike Y/N, he had no real grasp over his emotions.

“You didn’t? Oh, so what? I’m an idiot now? Because as far as I remember, you and I have avoided the, what-are-we talk so many times. Mostly because I was scared of your answer, knowing damn well that you hooked up with other women and that you weren’t down for commitment. You don’t seek it. But that fucking note? What am I supposed to make of a note, that, might I add, was left the same day I saw you Roger Taylor, with another girl, in a place you know I go. A place that you know about because I told you about it! You took her by the hand, and you kissed her in the street, something you never could do with me. Maybe you aren’t afraid of commitment; maybe you’re afraid of having any feelings, I don’t fucking know Roger!”

“You know what? Yeah, maybe I didn’t want you! Maybe you’re the fucking problem, with all your inquisitive questions, trying to make me open up about love. Maybe, I was just too kind. I didn’t know you were that fucking naïve, Y/N! You knew it all too well, you knew that I never stayed, that I wouldn’t stay. Maybe what Gina has that you don’t is a compelling reason to make me stay!” Roger yelled at her. His anger finally spilling out as he stood up from where he sat. Red clouded his vision from the hurtful statements that came out of Y/N’s mouth, because they weren’t true, but maybe he was causing just as much harm as she was with his lies.

Silence fell between them. Y/N’s mouth was tightly closed around the still-burning cigarette. Her eyes turning dark and clouded with tears. Y/n calmly stood up from her seat, dusting off her pants as her eyes in a deathly glare.

“Yeah, maybe she did have a better argument! Maybe I’m not enough for your big ego. but you know what I've realised now that I’m standing in front of you? I’m way better than you are! Unlike you, I don’t string people along and call it love.

“I don’t close up to what the world gives me and like you, you closed up on me so many times; I’ve lost count!”

“I have watched you leave and had to stay quiet through the process. I had to see you flirt with other women and push down the tears. I had to swallow my sadness and disappointment, not at you but at myself when you ignored my questions. Because yes, Roger, I’m naïve! I’m so naïve that I loved you and expected nothing but affection in return, but you couldn’t even give me that for more than one night” Y/N retorted. Her face close to Roger’s and her breath hot on his face as her voice wavered toward the end.

"Now, if we have finished talking and you have finished apologizing, which by the way, you didn’t even try. I’m going to walk out that door and not turn back!”

“You understand Roger?” Y/N then muttered in a lower volume, her voice sounded like her eyes looked, sad.

He loved her. He did. But she was right, Y/N had tried, and she had fought; the only time Roger did that was before their little agreement started. The only time he did try was when he wanted into her pants, and once he got there he didn’t want to leave, yet made no effort to truly stay there.

A huff left Y/N’s lips, unsteady as she fought the tears that were certainly threatening to fall down her face, and walked to the door, disappointment and hurt tugging at the strings of her mangled heart. She loved him. She was sure she did, and was certain if his anger hadn’t gotten the best of him, she would’ve forgiven him, but that wasn’t the case. Alcohol pushed all her frustrations out and the constant red flag that waved before Roger’s eyes screamed hatred was coming to the first person he encountered.

And so, they both walked out of each other’s lives. Y/N left. Roger let her walk away and they both let their feelings get so pent up. Once they were out in the cynical world they lived in again, they became tainted with dark shadows that made the initial feelings wane.

Y/N walked the dimly lit streets. London’s cold breeze made the trails of her tears feel colder than they should, but that coldness made Y/N feel something other than pain. It distracted her head from coming up with scenarios where he would run after her, fake scenarios. Totally unreal. With pain in her heart and cold on her cheeks, Y/N was the one leaving this time, not willing to turn back or stay the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end? Let me know!


End file.
